The past few days have had me thinking about whether I should continue dressing or not. One of the things I realized pretty quickly was that I haven't dressed up once properly in about a month. Just the occassional bit of underwear and the new sexy outfit from Rob so that I can get my rocks off. Is that all this is for me now? Am I just doing this to get to that orgasm? Rubbing one out isn't kinky enough anymore so I have to dress up, slip something up my butthole and moan out dirty things until I spurt. But is any of that important? I don't think so. I suppose what I am trying to work out is how important is dressing to me. I already know the answer, I am just surprised by it. It is very important to a lot of people to indulge their feminine habits, alter-ego's, personalities .etc depending on who you are and how you see yourself. It's not for me anymore, I'm not sure it ever was.
At one point I know it was really escapism, to stop my life from being to mundane. To give me a secret to keep and a reason to be nervous. I mean what would happen if somebody found out that I like to wear a thong while I get my rocks off. Not much actually, there would probably be a few comments and down the line it would be a running joke but I doubt anyone would really care. People tend to be too wrapped up in their own lives anyway. So that lead me to think well why not just come out then and tell everyone about it, I mean that is what I have been saying I want to do for the past 8 months really. I think I was lying to myself though, the whole attraction of it to my psyche was that it was something I had to hide and it gave me an excuse for not working and to be lazy. The angrier more driven side of myself wanted that excuse gone so that I could finally move on and do some work, the logic was that if I told everyone I couldn't hide behind it. I thought I wanted to write this blog, to be a tranvestite through and through. Be the best transvestite possible, show people how it's done, learn all about it and make money off it. But all of that was just another excuse not to work because I was about to do all that. It was ok because tomorrow I was going to take measurements, pictures, write articles because there is always tomorrow. Now I am tired of tomorrows.
After looking at myself more closely I have seen what I think to be true and that all of this is just an excuse not to do any work. So I can just sit comfortably until I'm old and dead. Not anymore though, that has to stop. I have to do something. So why not do the tranvestite thing? I don't like how much people judge things based upon how they look. It's natural, we can't help it but that doesn't stop me from disliking it. I don't think I look good as a woman, I have a pretty masculine face and I am not the sort of person who wants to spend an hour looking in the mirror trying to get eyeshadow right. That's not me. I understand if you enjoy it, if you like wearing make up and making yourself look different but when I change my look I do it because I want to change how I feel. How I feel is represented by what I wear, my expression, my hair, nails, everything really. Right now I don't feel like pampering, pruning or painting myself. I don't want to cover up my flaws or try and make myself look gorgeous. I want to put that effort elsewhere. I would still like to learn how to do make up, but primarily to teach others. In the future I want to meet people, to understand this phenomenon better and to help where I can. But I want to be objective about it. I don't have to be a full time transvestite and that's not what I really want to do. I will still write this blog, but it will probably be different.
Gender seems to be very important to a lot of people but to me it is almost entirely irrelevant. The only times it really enters my brain is when I go to use a public toilet, one of them usually has urinals. This isn't about being feminine to me only being free. I wish we lived in a society that was a little less judgemental and allowed people more freedom with their clothes. It is getting better and if my desires change I'm sure I'll end up wearing dresses and skirts out. For now I'm sticking to jeans though. Let me know what you think with a comment or message and I'll be back with more soon. Take care everyone :)
